you've heard of if you give a mouse a cookie, i'm sure. it's a classic cautionary tale: one cookie, and things spiral.
well, i've written a new version, based entirely on actual events.
IF YOU GIVE A HUSBAND PTO DAYS
if you give a husband pto days a week before christmas, he's going to decide to rearrange his office.
if he decides to rearrange his office, all of the contents of the office will come out of the room and go all over your basement.
if everything comes out of the office and goes all over the basement, the husband will then decide to dismantle his desk, shelves, lights, etc.
if he decides to dismantle everything, the room will be empty.
if the room is empty, he will see how dirty the carpet is.
if he sees how dirty the carpet is, he will call zerorez and schedule them to come the next day to clean the carpet.
if they come the next day to clean the carpet, they're going to have to clean something else too, because they won't clean just one room.
if they won't clean just one room, now you have to drop everything to clear out and clean three bathrooms so zerorez can clean the grout.
if they clean the grout, you might as well re-seal all the grout, because now it's clean.
if you have to re-seal all the grout, you might as well re-color the grout in two bathrooms, because the white grout has bugged the shit out of you for eight years.
if you have to re-color the grout, you have to wait three days for dove gray to be back in stock.
if you have to wait three days, you won't be twiddling your thumbs, because remember that office? it needs to be painted ASAP, and you're the person who does the painting.
if you're the person who does the painting, you spend the next two days prepping, priming, painting, AND painting an accent wall, just to add a challenge.
if you do all the painting, your husband will run to ikea twice and build new cabinets and paint all of the legs of his desk and wrap all four desktops with carbon fiber because, geek.
if he does all that building, he can then use his remaining PTO to put the office back together.
if he puts his office back together, you will decide the heck with waiting three days for dove gray, you make the executive decision to use black because it's in stock, and you spend the rest of the week lying on bathroom floors, re-coloring and scrubbing grout, and cursing your lot in life as The Person Who Does This.
if you're that person, and your husband is on PTO, and christmas is now only days away, and your first born is coming home this very night for winter break, you might as well paint the mudroom and replace the light while you're at it, because you are insane.
and if you're insane, you might just start to drop paint brushes and paint rollers and fall off the ladder because your hands no longer grip after seven days of holding a paint brush.
and you'll start to rue the day your husband decided to take the week before christmas as pto.