dump, literally and metaphorically speaking
28 May 2013
i'm so on the fence about continuing the blog or letting it go. however, it's been the only place since the book where i keep track of what's going on in our lives and writing things down. the book - and surrounding life circumstances at the time - burned me out. my printer stopped playing nice with my computer and hasn't worked since, so i stopped scrapping at home. we moved, none of my stuff has gotten officially unpacked and made usable, so i lack the desire to dig through paper. and the ongoing, underlying theme here is "my stuff comes last," but without the blog, the kids' stories would be forgotten.
metaphorically, that's the underlying theme of my life right now: my stuff comes last. and it's time for some changes.
at my age (39 years, four months, 18 days), i'm finally ready to say "i'm done" with people who don't care. i've tried my entire life to find friends, to nurture relationships, to find people who care about spending time with me, and i'm officially done. the dead weight will be cut.
the emotional burden of trying for 39 years to find people who give a shit about me is taking its toll, and i'm done. i wash my hands of those people with whom i have tried and failed to ignite any spark of giving a damn.
my life is small, but busy. and i understand that others have lives that are also busy. however, i am always willing to work out a time - regardless of how brief - to spend with those i enjoy and want in my life. the time has come, though, to erase the names in my book who do not choose to give that time to me. a person can try only so much, you know? either people want you in their life or they don't, and it has become abundantly clear that i have more people who feel the latter for me and my family.
so be it.
and hopefully this weight and soul-sucking "what the hell am i doing wrong?!" that i've been feeling for weeks months years will go away and i can just go about living my life with the small little group who have chosen me. and if that's literally just my husband and children (while they have no choice because they are under 18) then okay. at least they are fun.
i am who i am. like it or, apparently, don't. i am a grown up and will no longer be someone i'm not in order to sustain a relationship based on needing to be that person. and relationships that are gone because i'm no longer playing a game are relationships i no longer want and need in my life.
i've come to accept that some people have active, loyal circles of friends and family who choose to do things together and be with each other, and some don't. and so we will be our own island, having our own fun and making our memories together, and we will be enough. marc and i have talked often about how our role seems to be that of "give," and everyone around us is in the "take" position. one-sided relationships are unsustainable, and without anyone in our lives who "give" to and are supportive of us, we're tapped out. we can't always be the ones to call and try to make plans and stay in touch.
which is fine. we're busy anyway, and the coming months won't let up, either.
and what have we done over the past month, when i've updated absolutely nothing?
well, we got some snow.
and marc's parents came to visit and went to the kids' school carnival.
and came to henry's last band concert, after which we exited the school into even more snow.
and we took them to a great authentic ecuadorian restaurant in minneapolis.
and then we had to say goodbye, about which harper was not thrilled.
but she eventually came to terms with it.
so i used some of the 5,348 antique blue canning jars that i got from my grandma and brought spring indoors.
and then it snowed a little more just to spite me.
club swim season started up again.
and it finally became nice enough outside for harp and her friends to race and jump and enjoy springtime while waiting for the school bus.
then the weather changed again and now we can't seem to get out of the 50s or away from the rain.
but harp finally has a big Big Girl bike and rides it regardless of weather.
and henry test drove a teen cross fit class to see if adding some dry land work of his own might be good for the summer.
and there were field trips and play dates and other things.
and less than two weeks until summer vacation.
but we have big plans for the summer, and i kinda can't wait to get started. especially with less burden and frustration and sadness on my heart. looking forward to trying peace in my life for a change ... assuming i can really make it stick.
letting go is the hardest part, isn't it?