yesterday after school, henry and i ran a couple of errands. we were on the hunt for a shirt for school picture day tomorrow ... we have this tradition four years running of him wearing a striped shirt for pix. but alas, stripes must be out this year. not to mention it's supposed to be 80 degrees tomorrow and every store only has fall/winter clothes in stock. hmph.
so we left the mall and stopped by the tile shop, because our bathroom WILL BEGIN next month, if i have to sell my eggs to make it happen. henry followed me up and down the aisles, reading his lego magazine and sighing with boredom.
so we left the tile shop and headed home. we got there just as marc finished mowing the yard and harper was running around with a soccer ball. as the kids played and marc headed in for a shower, and i noticed there were quite a few bees buzzing around my sedum. then i noticed this guy sitting on top of one of the flower clusters.
a beautiful bee specimen, to be sure. but my goodness ... this guy was a bruiser! after watching him for, like, five minutes, i realized he wasn't going to fly away any time soon. he was just laying in the flowers, enjoying their intoxicating nectar and getting high on pollen.
while this bee laid on the sedum like it was his own personal hookah bar, i started to contemplate my own life of physical activity, or lack thereof.
my mom and sister have signed up to do the indy mini marathon in may and want me to join them. i said yes immediately, but have yet to sign up. why? well ... partly because that means i have to commit to being in indiana in may, and that's sorta tough right now. who knows what will be going on in our life in may.
but also because i just haven't found my groove with getting back to the gym yet. i was so motivated before becca's wedding two years ago, but between working for memory makers and writing the book and all of marc's travel and all the stuff the kids do, etc. etc., i just really can't find my motivation this time around. i feel very isolated in my life and schedule, and it's too easy - when i DO have free time - to relax and say that I need a break, too.
i have marc's support - he's pledged a trip to ireland for our anniversary next year if we both hit our fitness goals by then, and my sister and i have talked about keeping each other accountable by phone, but taking harper to the child care center at the gym is just hell. she feels the kids' room is torture and she screams and cries and runs for the door. it's hard to tear my mental game away from that and focus on a workout. not to mention there have been several times that just as i hit my stride or get a couple of laps in at the pool, there is a page over the intercom to come get my child. then i'm sweaty or chloriney for nothing. and that's demoralizing in it's own way.
but on the other hand, those are just excuses. and i'll soon end up like this bee ... bloated on my own preoccupation with my own little plot of land and too weighted down with that preoccupation to move on to the next flower and see what it has to offer. i don't want to fall off into the land of no return ... never again to see myself with a cute figure or care about my appearance; i'll just be content with my own little semi-agoraphobic piece of earth. but that isn't fair to me, marc, or the kids. i need to embrace life, embrace MY life, and get moving. and sign up for that damn mini. once and for all. and like the bee, at some point i will have to fly away before i'm too weighted down by my responsibilities and fears that i'm unable to achieve lift-off.