it's nearly midnight and i really need to be heading to bed, but i
wanted to get to this first because who knows what tomorrow will bring.
harper's birthday was great. our weekend was ... meh. i have no idea
what was so off ... my mother-in-law was sick, harper was getting some
nose gunk thing, we were all exhausted - i was literally working my
butt off to get the house ready up until 10 minutes AFTER everyone
arrived friday. and then stayed up until 12:30 to get the cake frosted.
and the presents wrapped. marc got home around midnight, so at least i
had company for awhile.
the party was good - just family and our friends ted, heather, and
their little girly girl, kate. the girls did a project, the big people
ate lots of fruit and dip and cheese & crackers and veggies with
dip. there was lots of talking and fun, then we moved on to the cake
and presents. i've never seen so much pink, princessy stuff in one room
before!! but of course, harper was thrilled beyond measure. those
ultrasonic-register squeals from christmas returned with a vengeance. (pix here)
after the party, the kids got to hang out with grandma and grandpa, while marc and i took his sister to ikea. she's getting ready to move into an apartment and needed new essentials ... i was shocked at the amount of good stuff she got for under $200! yay, ikea!! marc and i are so proud of laura as she starts over again. we are praying that life brings her many good and happy things from here on out!
then sunday arrived, and with it a lot of ... well ... i'm not quite sure what happened. it occurred to me that i don't have a single space in this universe that is just my own. i share a bedroom. i share a workspace. i share a closet. i share the food off my plate. i created my own little stack of sunday papers to read, then had to leave to wipe a bottom, and when i returned my stack was gone. and that was it. i was pushed over the edge. there is nothing in my life that i can truly call my own, and i suddenly felt suffocated and invisible. after that, nothing seemed right. the final straw came when i was again trying to read the paper, and the kids were squabbling at my feet about something. i tried to tell them to knock it off, but the squabbling intensified. i kept having to raise my voice to get their attention, but nothing worked. i finally had to scream - and they finally stopped to look at me. and i could just see my father-in-law's crazy-psycho-who-on-earth-did-my-perfect-son-marry-?! radar go up. so i got up, walked to our room, laid down on the bed for 10 minutes of peace ... and woke up four hours later.
things were then fine for about, oh, 20 minutes ... until i apparently screwed up again. and lost it again. the day was interminably horrible.
trying to shake it off, i joined everyone for dinner ... only to have my meal come out completely wrong. at that point i decided to say screw it and ignore the issue. i truly WAS invisible to the universe that day and realized it was pointless to try and raise my voice. i'd just be screaming into a void and doing myself no good anyway.
do you ever work so, so hard for so, so long, and the reward at the end of it is more work, no help, no appreciation, no peace, and then starting all over again a day later? how on earth is one supposed to cope with that?? vodka before bed helped a little, but that can't always be my answer, right?
a possible answer to prayers for strength and a light at the end of the tunnel may be in the works. it has to do with marc's job, losing chicago in favor of covering two reps here in minnesota, and no more weekly travel. who knows if or when this could become a possibility, and i hope that the dangling carrot isn't snatched away ... but that's a possibility, so i won't get my hopes up just yet ... but things could change for the better by summer's end. here's to hoping.
on an entirely unrelated note, my sister could use some prayers right now too, if you feel so inclined to help out. she left on saturday for a second round of boot camp as she trains for her new job with the air national guard. she was so stressed out by an assorted variety of things before she left, and by the time she arrived at the camp she was a ball of nerves. today, on her first day, she passed out twice. now her status at camp and whether she'll even be able to stay is in jeopardy, and this would adversely affect her - and her husband's - foreseeable future. she needs some calming and strengthening prayers, and the brass at the camp need the inspiration to let her stay and gut it out.
and i thought i had one more thing, but now i have no idea. so i guess i'll stop. and maybe tomorrow i can find something a little more uplifting and happy to write about ... or i'll switch to bourbon.