today's been a rough day, and it ended with marc and i crabbing at each other in a two minute phone conversation; both of us frustrated for the same yet different reason. trying to get through the day with one parent two time zones away and unavailable just sucks. i know it could be worse ... he could be gone for a year at a time in some foreign nation where he's constantly under fire or something. but at least military wives have the opportunity to live in a communal setting with other women who lean on each other and help each other out.
i got nothin'.
poor henry's just raw right now, what with all the missing daddy that he's going through and needing time from the only remaining parent at home who, sadly, doesn't have much time to give. he was in tears on monday as we dropped off marc at the airport. he was in tears again that night. and today he was still acting out. harper asks 20 times a day where daddy is, when are we picking up daddy, can we see daddy now.
today i got henry off to school, came home to veg on the couch with harp, who is recovering from double pink eye, and managed to drop a bowl of reheated chicken & noodles all over the kitchen floor. corelle + chicken + noodles and peas and carrots and broth = massive explosion of pain in the ass all over the place.
harper then refused to nap, kept getting out of bed, kept needing to go on the potty chair every 10 minutes (this spontaneous potty training kick she's on is wonderful, but MAN does it require a lot of time and attention ... and m&ms). she finally fell asleep with less than an hour to go before leaving to get henry ... and we left half an hour earlier than normal due to the terrible road conditions and white-out tendencies of another round of snow.
we got home, the kids played in the snow while i got 3/4th of the driveway shoveled, we ate dinner (well, henry and i ate dinner. harper ate one chicken fry and four bites of mac cheese, as she calls it, and called it a meal), i cleaned up the kitchen while they destroyed harper's room, then we adjourned to the basement to snuggle up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and "rudolph the red-nosed reindeer" on tivo. well, that lasted 20 minutes, then harper was done. so we played other things and she needed to pee 12 more times.
all the while, we were waiting for a call from daddy, who said he'd call after his meetings so he could say goodnight to the kids.
nope. didn't happen.
i got harper to bed, henry showered and in bed, did some work on xmas cards and gifts, and while trying to input some updated information at the photo printer my computer started acting very oddly. like, only typing field entries backwards ... if at all. most of the time whatever i would type would somehow end up in the internet navigation field. so weird.
so being 9:30 i figured marc HAD to be out of meetings, so i called. he was. he was at dinner.
thanks for calling us.
granted he got out later than he thought and would have missed the kids anyway, but could he have thought maybe *i* would want to talk to him today? before midnight? considering harper woke up at 2 a.m., 2:30 a.m., and 3:15 a.m. this morning, i'm not waiting up tonight.
when marc's in "work" mode, we are afterthoughts. no, less than that. we're not on the radar. we pop into view when it's convenient for him, and that pisses me off. you know what, buddy? get up 10 minutes earlier so you can call in the morning. make time on the drive to your fancy dinner to check in. sheesh.
and earlier i was missing him so badly. watching the beautiful snow fall all day long, i knew he would love seeing it and i hated that he was gone. watching the snow pile up on his car in the driveway made it look so lonely and unneeded, and it will look that way until saturday. i was melancholy and missing him but dealing. and now i'm just mad.
and it sucks.
how do you weigh all the travel and the disappointed kids and the added stress and worry against great money and possibilities for some freedom for the first time in 10 years? at what point do you say money isn't everything and it's not worth the cost? i'm not sure i can justify it to myself much longer. yes, it would be nice to finally re-do our downstairs bathroom and make it functional. yes, it would be nice to take a vacation for the first time since the turn of the century. actually, before the century turned. yes, it would be nice to have a nest egg or move into henry's school system so i can stop the daily commute or let marc finally buy himself a toy for a change. but in the long run, isn't happiness what it's really all about? isn't it about being a family first and foremost, and everything else is just superfluous?
i just don't know. i can't make that call yet because i'm hoping there will still be some reward for all this crap. if there isn't, well, then that just isn't fair and i call "uncle."